MelissaLavallée

Understanding Shame: A Trauma Response and Its Impact

By Melissa Lavallée MACP, BA-Psyc

Mental Health Educator & Counsellor

Shame is one of the deepest wounds trauma leaves behind.
It doesn’t just sit in the mind. It settles into the body, the breath, the nervous system, and the stories we tell about who we are.

Shame is the quiet voice that creeps in at the worst moments.
Shame is the heaviness that makes you want to disappear.
Shame is the “I should’ve known better.”
The “It’s my fault.”
The “I ruin everything.”
The “I’m too much. I’m not enough. I’m both at the same time.”

And here’s the part people don’t talk about enough:

Shame isn’t a character flaw. It’s a trauma response.
A survival strategy.
A way the body tried to keep you safe when you weren’t.

When you understand this, you stop fighting shame as an enemy. You start understanding it as a frightened part of you. This part learned to take the blame so you keep surviving.

Indigenous Teachings: Shame as a Story, Not an Identity

In many Indigenous cultures, including Métis teachings, shame is not understood as who you are. Instead, it is viewed as a story that was placed on you.

A story shaped by:

• colonial violence
• silence
• not being believed
• broken systems
• unsafe relationships
• disruption of identity and belonging

Shame grows where people are not protected.
Shame grows where stories are not observed.
Shame grows in silence and silence is something Indigenous Peoples were forced into for generations.

When I speak to trauma survivors I remind them:

Shame doesn’t come from you.
It comes from what happened to you.

Healing, then, is the process of handing shame back to where it came from.

Why Trauma Creates Shame Spirals

Trauma researchers like Judith Herman and Bessel van der Kolk describe the impact of trauma. They explain how it disrupts identity. Trauma also affects memory and emotional processing.

Shame becomes a default response because:

1. The brain looks for control

When something terrifying or violating happens, the brain searches for meaning.
Blaming yourself creates the illusion of control:
“If it was my fault, maybe I can keep it from happening again.”

2. Abusers often weaponize shame

Gaslighting.
Blame.
Minimization.
Character attacks.
Isolation.

These experiences become internalized as self-blame.

3. Nervous system dysregulation keeps shame alive

When the body is stuck in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, it loses access to self-compassion.
Shame becomes the dominant narrative.

4. Growing up with trauma teaches shame early

Childhood trauma wires the brain for self-blame before you even have language for it.

5. Society teaches “What did you do?” instead of “What happened to you?”

Especially for women, mothers, Indigenous people, and survivors of IPV.

Shame is not an emotion you are born with.
It is an emotion you are taught.

What a Shame Spiral Feels Like

Shame spirals are quick, intense, and overwhelming, often triggered by something small.

A tone change.
A text with no emoji.
A mistake at work.
Not feeling heard.
Feeling like someone’s upset with you.
Feeling “too emotional.”
Having a trauma response.

Shame spirals can sound like:

• “I’m ruining everything.”
• “Everyone’s disappointed in me.”
• “I should’ve known better.”
• “I can’t trust myself.”
• “I’m embarrassing.”
• “I’m not good enough to be here.”

And physically, shame feels like:

• collapsing inward
• heat in your face
• a pit in your stomach
• wanting to hide
• feeling small
• disconnecting

Shame is not just emotional. It is somatic.

Interrupting Shame: Cognitive, Somatic, Narrative

This is a blended approach drawn from CBT, somatic regulation, and narrative therapy and it aligns beautifully with Indigenous story-as-medicine.

Shame can’t be “thought away.”
You need an approach that meets shame where it lives.

Somatic (Body First)

Before you challenge a thought, you regulate the body.

Try:

• putting a hand on your chest
• lengthening the exhale
• unclenching the jaw
• touching something textured
• grounding with your senses (5–4–3–2–1)
• feeling your feet on the floor
• a gentle rocking motion

Shame melts when the body feels safe.

Cognitive (Reframing Thought Patterns)

Once the body softens, you can challenge the shame story.

Try these statements:

• “This is a shame story, not my truth.”
• “My brain is trying to keep me safe.”
• “I’m allowed to be human.”
• “What happened to me created this voice.”
• “Compassion belongs here.”

CBT teaches us to find distortions.
Shame teaches us to replace them with gentler, truer stories.

Narrative (Reclaiming the Story)

Shame grows in silence.
Narrative therapy teaches that naming your story gives you your power back.

Try:

• journaling
• speaking aloud
• telling someone you trust
• reconnecting to culture
• smudge or grounding ritual
• sharing story in safe community

Indigenous healing teaches this too:
You heal when your story is observed.

The Most Important Truth About Shame

Shame says:
“You’re alone.”
“You’re the problem.”
“No one will understand.”

But trauma research and Indigenous teachings both agree:

Shame can’t survive connection.
Not connection to others, connection to yourself.

Shame dissolves when:

• your voice is heard
• your story is held
• your nervous system feels safety
• you meet yourself with kindness
• you remember who you are beyond the wound

You were never meant to carry shame alone.
You were never meant to carry it forever.

You Are Allowed to Outgrow the Story Shame Gave You

If shame was learned, it can be unlearned.
If shame was imposed, it can be returned.
If shame reshaped your identity, you can reclaim it.

Shame was not the original story of your life
and it does not have to be the final one.

You get to choose what you carry onward.
You get to write the next chapter.

And I’m honoured to walk with you through that story.